What is wrong with me?
I have goals set for my life. My parents are very, very strict religious. I am a Christian and I believe the Bible, but I do not consider myself religious. Having said that, though I do want to be in the Will of God.
As a kid I was told I was ADD. I know my parents disagree with my goals in life. People tell me I am extrememly intelligent. I am early twenties.
My problem. I fear committment. I have goals set, every time I try to fullfill them I feel guilty.
I am always restless. I have to stay busy, very busy, either studying or doing something physical or I end up very bored.
Since a young kid, I have been extremely restless. Like I am constantly searching for something, with not really knowing what.m
I have a rough background. My dad kicked my mom out when I was 2. I forgot who she was until age 6. Grandfather would lock me in basement and in my room for most of the day, when I was under age 6. My grandfather was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive.
My biological dad was sexually abusive.
He used to get mad at me. Tell me he was leaving, and constantly walk out on me when I was a kid. He would leave me in the house by myself, and not come back for an hour.
Then at age 7 my mom and her new husband got custody of me. Then we moved to another state.
My bio and his family would have nothing to do with me.
My mom was very religious. My step dad was not. I was such a needy kid, that I considered my step my biological dad. Because I wanted a dad so bad. He was horrible. He would play mental games with my head. Was cold. He was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. My parents argued constantly. I watched a LOT of violence in my own home. That at night I would re-dream it.
Now, I am an adult. Trying to get my life together. It is hard. Because I have so many goals, but I do not want to get out of the will of God, and I know my parents disagree with those goals.
Do you think I struggle so much because of my past
One other thing, my step dad used to get mad at me. Tell me he was leaving then walk out on me, and not come back for days. He would tell me it was my fault, and that it was my fault that he and my mom could not get a long.
I am VERY different than other people. People that meet me say how obvious this is.
I am mentally wired different, even though I am highly intelligent. I **** the same old same old. The medioc of society.
My mom wonders if part of my problem is because right after I was born the doctors put me on phenabarbitol. It turned me purple and I almost died. They put me on it due to a misdiagonsis.
As a baby, my mom says I hated to be held and would push away. Many times I would just stare off. I did that a lot as kid, just stared off.
My mom wonders if this somehow affected my mind.
Do you think so? It is dead obvious that I think different and am different than most people. To the point it bothers me.
It is like I think so fast, that my mind is racing. Sometimes it is so bad, that I stutter in my speech. Do you think it is because of the medicine they gave me as a kid?
I struggle with commitment, being content in living in one place. It is like this, I watch people, they go to school, then go to college, get married, and live in the same place all their life and do the same thing. It is like everyone does this.
I am never content with the same old, same old.
Is this from being ADD, or something else?
Elizabeth
